Every night offers a bizarre venue for a late drink that in any other circumstances would seem implausible
Posted in General on 17. Oct, 2010
Every night offers a bizarre venue for a late drink, that in any other circumstances would seem implausible. As the bar you’re in at half past one is closing, someone will announce there’s an all-night aquarium with a late license round the corner and off you go. Last year, at five in the morning, I discovered a postman’s pub that was open, which I’m sure only exists if you’re already drunk. From there we carried on until four in the afternoon, completing a 22-hour session that left me ill for a month. I know it’s pathetic, but in 20 years of going to Edinburgh, I don’t think I’ve ever been as proud
More from Mark Steel.
Today, three modern tales for our modern times
Today, three modern tales for our modern times.
1. There were in the early 21st century some citizens of America who thought they had become so obese from eating McDonalds hamburgers that they decided to sue McDonalds for not warning them about the fat-making qualities of their burgers.In Britain, at the same time, it was discovered that the rat population of Britain was increasing rapidly because they had a quick and easy diet from the discarded wrappers and half-eaten burgers thrown away by the British public, who had once been careful about litter but were now ready to believe that someone else would pick up all the rubbish. We had always known that you were never further than 10 feet from the nearest rat, but now, if you were standing outside a fast food joint, you were a lot closer.Soon the inevitable happened. The rat population of Britain began to suffer from obesity and poor heart condition, especially in Scotland, where rubbish is first deep-fried in batter before being thrown away.And after that, equally inevitably, the first rat decided to sue McDonalds for not putting a warning on their discarded rubbish that a diet of fast food might lead to obesity in rats.The case was fought fiercely McDonalds sent in their most savage team of lawyers.
But the rat had hired the cleverest barrister available, who produced several vegetarian rats in court to show how slim they were beside his bloated client, and the rat was awarded the case, and £500,000 in damages.Alas, he never saw any of the money, which all went to legal expenses, for do not forget that in modern Britain you are never further than 10 feet from the nearest lawyer.2. Once upon a time there was a man who left it till the last moment to book his holiday. But this year demand for holidays had been very high, and when he went to his travel agent, the travel agent shook his head and said: “I am afraid we have nothing in the next two weeks at all.”"Nothing?” asked the man “NOTHING?”"Nothing,” said the travel agent. Then, looking round to make sure he was not overheard, he said, “However, I could do you something in the last two weeks.”"I’m sorry?”"We are just starting an experimental line in time-travel holidays,” said the travel agent “They are cheap at the moment because they are experimental.